A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”
“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him.”
A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a frog sitting next to him.
"Are you a frog?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The frog replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Two cows were out in a field eating grass.
One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!"
"Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!
A man and his pet kangaroo walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my kangaroo."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the kangaroo falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a kangaroo."
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